Can Negative Comments Lead Us to Enlightenment?

Hello my friends!

This week I’ve been reading a book called Buy the F*cking Lilies. It’s a wonderfully entertaining self-help style book in which the author walks you through her journey of self-acceptance and letting go of false beliefs, other people’s judgements and learning to love who you are.

I’ll admit, I’m a self-help junkie. Partly because I need to constantly remind myself of a number of things and partly because I haven’t quite found the “thing” I’m looking for…that magic phrase or quote that will change my life, remove all self-doubt and set me on a path to greatness. That path to live my life purpose. Is there such a thing?

One chapter I read was all about realizing that other people’s opinions don’t matter. Ugh. This is probably one of my biggest challenges. I’ve read so many self-help books on this subject. Will I ever be rid of this wretched feeling when I perceive someone is unhappy with me or worse…doesn’t like me? Will I ever rid myself of the embarrassing length of time ruminating, evaluating and replaying every possible scenario to see how I can get them to change their mind, to see my point of view or fix the situation?

The good news is that I’m starting to realize why I do this.

You see, I’m someone who trusts pretty much everyone until you give me a reason not to. I believe what people tell me and I acknowledge that we all have different experiences and that’s why I truly like to hear what others think about any given situation. I like to be informed and reminded that my way of thinking is not the only way.

The downside of this trust is that when someone shares their negative opinion of me or let’s say comments on a social media post in a negative way, I tend to instantly believe them. Even over my own lived experience. My own truth. My own reason. I question myself…am I really xyz? Do I really do that? Woah…does everyone think this about me? And the spiral begins.

I obsess over these types of comments and messages. I also tend to shut down and not defend myself because what if I AM wrong? What if they know more than me and I just can’t see the truth? So I recoil and give in…letting them feel they won the conversation. It’s that people pleasing factor that I’m still trying to release.

So what can I do about it?

Well, firstly, when I see a post that I disagree with, instead of replying or arguing I ask myself, “why does this bother me so much?” “Why do I feel the need to make this person feel awful for sharing something they truly believe.” Usually it’s something internal. Maybe I feel the need to reply because its my ego insisting on proving something. Maybe it’s my insecurity trying to make myself feel better. Maybe its political or religious in which case (spoiler alert) you aren’t going to change their mind.

Either way…it has nothing to do with them, it’s actually my own ego or insecurity wanting to reply so I end up simply not arguing and scrolling past. Using it as a way to check in with my own biases. If it happens enough with the same person on something I am adamant about (let’s say human rights), then I simply unfollow them.

So, what if instead of recoiling or lashing back when it happens to me, I asked myself why they could be reacting the way they are? Not to assume I know, but to add a level of understanding and compassion to the situation.

All week I analyzed this. Not just in my posts, but in others. Why did that person react the way they did? Why did they feel the need to react instead of just scroll past? Would they have said that if they were in person rather than behind a screen?

It was fascinating to watch. I'd even go to the reactor’s page and look at their posts to try to gain perspective. The anti-vaxer giving the establishment a hard time about their covid policy was sick at home with Covid. The person commenting on someone else’s weight had just started a new work out program.

I got a glimpse into the “why” behind some of these negative comments and it was pretty eye opening. It wasn’t about the person making the post….it was about the person responding. Their guilt, their insecurity, their need to feel like they were in a better place than they were emotionally was driving their reaction to the situation.

What if instead of social media being a place so full of negative comments and judgement, we could use our urge to react it as a way to self-reflect, identify our own issues and use that to heal?

What if instead of getting angry at the commenter we could find compassion for their own bias and insecurity? Not to point it out, but to not get offended or let it hurt as much?

So this week I have two big challenges for us:
1. When you feel the urge to get mad, upset or comment, ask yourself WHY and don’t stop asking until you hit the absolute truth (hint, it’s going to be about you, not them).

2. Let’s hope you don’t get this opportunity, but here’s the second one: if you receive a negative comment or message, can you ask yourself why this person may have felt the need to share it? (hint, I promise the answer is not because they are an asshole) ;)

Change begins with us. If we can change the way we react and the way we receive other people’s reactions then we can begin to find more peace, compassion and self-acceptance.