Embracing the Mess

This week I’ve been reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle.

Isn’t it fascinating that once you see a phrase or quote that resonates with you, suddenly you see it everywhere?

Are we just extra aware of what has been there the whole time? Are the internet algorithms reading our mind again (only half way joking) or is it that we seem to attract what we need most in our life?

“Embrace the mess” seems to be the recurring theme this week. A few weeks ago I mentioned how Santosha (contentment) is a challenge for me, embracing the mess is definitely another.

In her book, Glennon says “The truest most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie that it’s supposed to be.” Woah. This one hit me hard.

You see, for some reason I have this belief that the goal is to be happy. If you aren’t happy then something is wrong and needs to be fixed. I don’t know where I learned this, but I realize it makes me either want to ignore all the hard feelings or think something is wrong with me when anything is less than “perfect” or happy.

Rarely do I allow myself to just sit and feel all the feels. When things get hard and the not-so-happy feelings trickle in, I find ways to lift my mood and make myself happy. Usually this involves being extra productive or taking on a new project. Anything to keep my mind off the hard stuff until the feeling passes and the happiness returns. But does it ever really pass or does it just get pushed down. Deeper and deeper? Am I coping or am I avoiding?

During an all-day mediation retreat a few years ago I had a very intense experience in which I found myself in what looked like a junk yard, but it was my mind…my memories. Everything was covered in what looked like pink insulation. I could see bits and pieces of things poking out from underneath. If you imagine throwing a fluffy blanket over a pile of garbage, this is basically what I saw, but a ton of it.

As I walked through this space trying to make sense of it all, I came across someone…it was myself (hey I told you this was an intense experience). I asked myself what all this junk was. And myself replied:

“These are all the memories and hard feelings you shoved aside and covered in pink fluff to make yourself feel better and not deal with it. You tried to cover it up with pink fluff (aka happiness), but its all still here. Waiting for you to actually do something about. It didn't go away, it's just buried deep inside.”

What the actual hell?

I’ve had a few intense experiences in meditation, but this one stands out so vividly.

It’s a lesson that keeps coming back. Even though I can clearly see how past experiences have shaped who I am, prepared me for future challenges, etc. I still don’t fully sit with the less than happy feelings when they arrive. I just obsess over how to transform them into something different.
“Look for the positive”
“It can’t be all bad”
“This too shall pass”

These are just a few things I’ve trained myself to think when times get tough.

But for the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling the transition into fall. That transition into deep reflection, letting go and turning inward. This year I want to embrace the mess. I want to clean up all the pink fluff, get my hands dirty and clean out the junkyard in my mind.

As Glennon puts it, “I am ready to use pain to become. I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Whether I like it or not, pain is the fuel of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I’m mean to be is inside my feelings of now. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming.”

I don’t know about you, but I am definitely not finished growing and evolving. I’m not finished becoming my next best version of myself.

Sometimes we just need to stop…clean house (aka feel the feels and let that shit go already) and make room for our next revolution. This is where I feel like I need to focus a big portion of my energy this autumn. My goal for 2021 was less "doing" and more "being" so I intend to end 2021 focusing more on the being.

I plan on flowing into 2022 with a fresh approach, a renewed sense of self and prepared for my next revolution.